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Peur et Courage (Fear and Courage)

The last 24 hours have been most interesting - not because of any events, just following my train of thought.

My committment to run for MCP has caused two reactions in me - one of extreme fear (thoughts of dying cause me no fear - it is fear of failure which seems to be my greatest fear), and the other of courage.

When occupied by fear, my mental voice says 'What the hell are you doing, committing to something you are not ready for? What if you win and you screw it all up? There are people better than you for the task. You're a dishonest jerk, how dare you commit to something like that when you know you can't do it. You're not only deceiving yourself, but deceiving the country.'

But then the other voice says, 'Well, no you've committed to this direction, there's no backing out, you may as well make yourself ready for it.' And it has already begun to push me in the right direction...while I am generally a person of self-analysis, I have never been one to quickly act on that self-analysis. Not only have I specified exactly what is holding me back, but I have started doing something about it...

I now know that I have certain fears which prevent me from achieving extraordinary things...they are listed below:
- Fear of physical exercise
- Fear of academic work
- Fear of planning and effective time management
- Fear of action/failure

AIESEC talk might call some of these things 'skills' or even 'competencies' (yes, I hate that word too), but I know these are areas that I have deeply rooted fears. I know how to do all of the things above, but yet I do not, making excuses not to do them. Why?

- Fear of physical exercise. I'm not lazy at all - I walk to university every day here, and that is a good 30 minute walk each way. The reason for that is that my stinginess in catching the bus easily outweighs any factors against it. As a consequence of this walking, and of eating very healthily, I am much fitter than I was when I left Sydney.

But I know I want to be a lot fitter still, through things like back stretches, situps, pushups, morning cycle rides, etc., but I can't bring myself to do this 'unnecessary' exercise (i.e. exercise for the sake of exercise, not for other objectives like getting to and from uni). Why? I have a fear that I won't keep it going; that I'll start and stop a day or two later. Why? I used to be very unfit when I was younger, and this has lead to a form of subconscious insecurity about my physical condition.

How to defeat this? Commands to action which override habit and fear (coming from the urgency of running for MCP in 10 months), and more importantly, continually imagining myself exercising a lot. The latter action will rewrite the recurring thoughts in my brain to something more positive than what's currently there.

- Fear of academic work. This is one of the most bizarre fears I have, yet one of the most easily explainable. It is bizarre because I used to be a very dedicated student. I would not think twice, or even once for that matter, before studying like crazy for an examination or test. This was before the days when I questioned the direction I was taking in life - my parents and my schools had drilled a mammoth academic work ethic into my brain, and it just seemed to be the way to go, no questions asked. Then in the final years of high school, I began to ask those questions...I began to question whether this kind of pure academia was the way to go. Without resolutions to these questions, doing academic work became increasingly difficult, but at the same time and pushing me the other way was the increasing proximity of the HSC (the final high school examinations in Year 12 in NSW). By Year 12 I was in no position to do any kind of academic work, yet I had no choice but to succeed beyond any successes I had in the past. I bowed to the pressure, and worked EXCEPTIONALLY hard...ripping my brain in half in the process. To give an often-cited example of my Year 12 work ethic, the 3 unit history project where we were required to study a number of sources on a particular historical subject. The most ambitious people would use 12-15 sources...I lost my mind and used 90.

I did well enough in Year 12, but since then my brain revulses when it comes to anything academic. This isn't healthy when you're studying law. AIESEC's massive practicality and use of mindless jargon confused me even further - is the 'practical way' the way to go? These questions, along with all other questions, continued to pile up without resolution. It's only in the last two months, since coming to France, that I've begun to find the answers I'm looking for.

How to defeat this fear? The same way as the fear above. I know that I will not be an effective MCP if I have this fear lingering in the back of my mind, even if I am not directly applying myself to academic work during the term. Being an effective leader requires a complete absence of fear - it is just something which cannot exist in our minds in any shape or form. So this urgency is pushing me to defeat this fear. I am using my imagination - imagining myself once again as the hardworking student I used to be, who loves knowledge, mind maps and deep thinking - to rewire my subconscious.

- Fear of planning/effective time management. This comes from ingrained habit...since I only ever had one true obsession in the past, academic work, time management simply was not a necessity. Time management becomes necessary when you have more than one thing which you are working on...which is most definitely the case now.

The solution is once again the same two as before. I guess a pattern is starting to emerge, yes? But without creating the urgency in my mind, change would be close to impossible.

- Fear of action/failure. Obviously part of my fear of action comes from a fear of failure, but a much stronger reason is my self-stereotype as a 'thinker', because of the fact that I used to be so academic. This has lead me to believe that not taking action is ok, because that is not my role. Rubbish. If I want to be an effective leader, action comes first on the list...time for a mental rewiring.

How do I know that it is possible to change our thinking? Because it has been done before by many great people...M.K. Gandhi was once a very shy man, believe it or not.

Also, because the human brain is essentially infinite, and to pessimistically impose limits on it is to be guilty of extreme ignorance. One neuron (brain cell) is capable of producing 2 possible states - 'on' or 'off', depending if there is a current flowing through it or not respectively. Two neurons are capable of producing 4 possible states based on the combinations 'on, on', 'on, off', 'off, on' and 'off, off'. The adult human brain has between 20 billion and 50 billion neurons. The number of possible states that exist is more than there are subatomic particles in the entire universe. In other words, unless we begin to find other universes, start living for 1000s of years and remember EVERYTHING that we have ever done, seen or read, then our minds are totally infinite.

La confirmation (The confirmation)

I know this is unusual, for me to post two days in a row, but I have come to a decision.

I will be running for MCP (Member Committee President) of AIESEC Australia at January National Conference 2007.

Am I ready? God no. That is why I've made the decision, and made it public, so backing out is that much harder now. I have now grounded it into reality that this is what I will be doing, and now am forced to spend the year ahead getting myself ready. I have no choice but to seek peace of mind, I have no choice but to negotiate with the university to permit me to defer and I have no choice but to make sure AIESEC in Aix-en-Provence is spectacular.

Even if I am not elected, I can see spectacular advantages in forcing myself to be ready to be an MCP - I have no choice but to succeed in my endeavours this year.

I really, really hope that we don't get into that terrible situation where only one candidate (me) is running. Even though there is a confidencing process, I have never heard of someone being non-confidenced. I would want to win the position because people have faith in me to do the job, not because I am the only candidate running.

And so the year REALLY begins, in earnest...

Tous les choses 'intellectuels' (All things 'intellectual')

1. Reading books again!

I've got back into the habit of reading fiction, which is something I used to do a lot of as a child. I had forgotten how relaxing and enjoyable a habit it is, and I definitely intend to do more in future. Both books were leant to me by Rob, unfortunately he doesn't have any more books but that's what libraries are for. I've found a place called 'Book in Bar', which has British flags painted all over it, whic is kind of like a little café with lots of books in English. Even though you can buy the books, they are more than happy for you to sit at their little café and read. Fun for the visitor, but I'm not sure if it is the most economically viable bookstore around.

The first book I read was The Da Vinci Code. Yes, I know, nothing new...but if something drops a landmine in Western culture like this book did, it's important to read. And it certainly was a good read too. What they say about it being a 'pageturner' was true, because despite its length, I finished it within the space of one day. The plot was great, and the code-cracking was fun, and I adored the little factoids strewn throughout the book. The only problems I had with the book was that the main characters didn't seem to have any personality (except the psychotic priest, who was entertaining), and it wasn't clear how much was true and how much wasn't true. Dan Brown had said he wanted to create an 'authentic environment' and had painstakingly researched the details of the history and of the artworks. The problem is, the 'interpretation' of history seems so damn convincing - which part has been made up, and which was part of the 'authentic environment'? But yes, I definitely recommend the book to anyone who hasn't read it, but I'm probably the last person in the West who is yet to read it. Sigh.

The second book I read is one called 'Merde Actually' - Merde is the French word for 'crap' (when translated politely). It is the sequel to a rather controversially named book called 'A Year in the Merde', which is about an Englishmen's year in France! While not having read the original, this book made perfect sense, and was a very light, fun read. The core of the book is an Englishmen's point of view on France - he seems to have hit the foreigner's perspective beautifully, because there was so much here I know I could recognise with. Everything from the insanity of French bureaucracy to infuriating indifference to bad customer service.

In fact mention of bad customer service invites a story. It is not fair for me to say that customer service has been consistently bad in France - it has only been bad once, and by one person, but it happened in the place I least expected - a major bank. I remember a lady at the bank asking me to wait while she licked envelopes for about 5 minutes and I stood there feeling like an idiot. The same lady did this to me again another day. What ever happened to the idea that 'le client est roi' (the client is king)? It could just be that I was very unlucky, but its presence in the book as well is quite worrying. I will wait till the year is out before I make a final comment on this.

2. 'The stuff that imperialists are made of! '

It's time for me to reveal an addiction of mine...to a substance...always drunk with milk. It is called 'Banania', and is extremely popular here in France. On the cover, there is a cartoon picture of an African man; apparently because this drink was popular during colonial times. I thought this was a bit tasteless and offensive, and have been calling it 'the stuff that imperialists are made of', which is probably an equally tasteless and offensive remark.

I have been almost living off this stuff. Every day, I drink about 2 glasses - so mum, that's 2 cups of milk a day. She must be overjoyed to read this, because she kept trying to get me to drink milk - one cup every few days seemed to be the most she could achieve. Well now you know mum, it's all about letting people find out how to do things their own way, not forcing them to do it. And Banania is my way. I am probably going to bring back like 8 one kg packets when I return to Australia.

3. The presentation

Today, I had to make a presentation in French...was quite a bizarre, stressful yet informative experience. The class was 'Environment and Society', and I had chosen to make my presentation on Corporate Social Responsibility and its role in Environmental Sustainability. The process of delivering this presentation is something I will always remember, because so much of what is 'France for the foreigner' just shone through the experience. Obviously it wouldn't be my blog if I didn't relate the story to you :). Also please note that I am completely aware of how hypocritical the following rant is going to seem for someone who openly preaches peace of mind.

I had chosen to put a lot of effort into my presentation for two reasons...first, I knew that my French would be filled with grammatical errors, so I would have to offset it with really solid content, and a really pretty powerpoint, to make up for it...second, because I was totally horrified by the standard of most of the presentations, and decided to change what was the 'status quo'. Let me explain the last point...it is extremely normal here, in the course of making a presentation, to simply go and sit at the front and read out an essay. The 'interaction' with the audience is limited to the question time at the end...however the audience will have fallen asleep long ago, so any questions they ask will have no relation to what has been said. I believe this atrocious method of presenting is modeled on the lecturers themselves, who basically read at us for 2 hours straight. Surely reading at us for 10 minutes is FAR more interactive than doing it for 2 hours? I was not prepared to accept such a minimalist position, and went whole hog with the 'interactivity' of the presentation.

I was lucky to get a computer for the presentation, so nicely lent to me by Kalla, one of the fellow IEP students at Cuques (he is from Finland, and spent a year in the Finnish army). Getting a projector was much more difficult. I asked the technical guy a few days ago if I could reserve the projector, to which he said 'It's totally unnecessary, nobody uses it, its always here.' this morning when I went to get it...lo and behold, it wasn' there! Luckily, my presentation wasn't for a few hours, and when I came back, it had come back. The guy said he would set it up for me in the room, which was nice of him...when I came at the appointed time for him to set it up, I saw him leaving the room of the class where I was to make the presentation; he mumbled something incomprehensible to me in French and disappeared. I walked around hunting for the projector but to no avail. So instead of starting with presentation, I grabbed a French speaking student and got her to help me understand what the projector situation was. Apparently, the guy had decided it "wasn't practical" to setup the projector in the room, and left. So what was I supposed to do, just fend for myself projectorless? His sheer indifference was the thing which annoyed me the most. When my friend said that we try anyway, he seemed extremely reluctant to let us try, and after a few minutes of persuasion, he let us have the projector. When we did try, there was nothing impractical about it at all...there was a plug at the very front of the room, perfect for the projector. Utterly infuriating.

I delivered the presentation with as much gusto as I could, and it seemed to be going fine until I had a slide which said 'What does the term Corporate Social Responsibility mean? I want to hear your opinions...if you don't know, take a guess.' They stared at me as if I had slapped them on the face with a dead fish. Apparently they weren't used to speakers asking them questions, or having opinions of their own. 'I don't know' is not a possible response to 'Take a guess'. Even good old professor Michel Duquette was a bit stunned, asking me if I had definitions of my own - the clear implication was that I was trying to get input from the audience as a means of covering up my lack of knowledge. Just as i thought my good intentions in involving this deadpan audience were about to collapse, Rob came to my rescue. Or more to the point, I made him come to my rescue. I singled him out and asked his opinion, and said he had to have an opinion because we had spoken about this subject before. I actually don't think we had, but it worked. He came up with quite a solid response. And then came another response from someone else. That was enough, and I clicked the next slide to show Monsieur Duquette just how many definitions of CSR I had - 3, in fact.

Just another note: I was quite disappointed that nobody in the class had heard of CSR before. This is the most universally discussed subject in the business world, and while I was not talking to business students, the societal implications of CSR are profound, and has the potential to completely transform Western society. In my not so humble opinion, political science students should have a broad knowledge of all major societal trends rather than specific knowledge in particular areas. Especially in what is one of the best universities in France (the IEP chain - there are a couple of them in different cities in France - are exceptionally difficult to get into for French students, making the calibre of the students apparently very high). Another thought ventured into my mind...why do I know about CSR? I realised it was purely because of AIESEC, and that was in fact the only way I knew anything about businesses at all. I realised that if it was not for my involvement in the organisation, I would have been trapped in a little academic Sydney Grammar-like cocoon, like so many of the students in that class (not the internationals, god bless them) - in fact in many of the local students, I saw precisely who I used to be. Thank goodness I am now learning how to make use of my knowledge for something useful, rather than seeing knowledge as an end in itself.

Back to the presentation...I nervously went on, knowing that soon I had another slide which asked for people's opinions, this time to the question, 'Why would corporations want to follow CSR?' However this time I got a response. A small one, but a response, from about 4 people. Perhaps things were starting to stir.

Then came the knockout punch for interactivity...a little game forcing people to 'gasp' think outside of the norm! (btw note I didn't use the phrase 'think outside the square', because that phrase is a cliché, and use of a cliché would be an ironic failure to practice what I often talk about [not 'practice what I preach, which is also a cliché] The game was simple - people had 30 seconds to list all the possible uses they could imagine of a mobile phone. While explaining this concept seemed to be difficult at first("is it a big mobile phone or a little one?", etc.), people seemed to get the hang of it. They listed some very conventional uses - calling, music, photos, diary, calculator. With this in mind, they then had 30 seconds to think of all the possible uses of a mobile phone FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF AN ANT. Some people gave up immediately at the prospect of this intellectual challenge...I heard the "I don't know"s coming from all over the place. But then something amazing happened. "For hiding in" someone said; "to block the colony entrance from intruders" said another. Then more and more totally whacked out, absolutely creative responses started coming...I nearly wept with joy.

The point of the game was to demonstrate a point about infinite creativity - two totally random ideas, when thrown together, can produce amazing new ideas themselves. Likewise, when the principle of environmentally responsible thinking is applied to existing products and processes, it does not necessarily lead to a cost: it can lead to creativity of the highest level, and the creation of amazing new processes and products. I feel like the point was made...

I also learnt something. My initial optimism in hoping to 'change' things was naive in so far that I did not understand how to do it. But it was not naive in wanting to change things. In that sense, all optimism is partially naive, because it is about hope for a world which does not exist yet, and we can never be sure about how to get there. But we have to want to change first, because that is the initial step required to push us along and help us make the necessary mistakes in learning.
I also learnt that anyone can think creatively, even if you've been institutionalised into letting others do the thinking for you. I always believed that anyone could think creatively, but I never knew how easy it would be to get people doing it, especially when they aren't used to it. Fundamentally, it comes down to the environment people are in. I think my prejudices are starting to slip, which can only be a good thing. That's the funny thing...being an Indian growing up in Australia I thought I was naturally free of prejudice...but now I've realised that cultural understanding is an active process of trying to comprehend another frame of mind, not simply an absence of dislike for another culture.

BTW the presentation was still not over, the worst was yet to come. It was in fact in my fault; I threw in something quite abstract from leadership theory, and invited even more abstract questions in response. I spoke about Abram Maslow's 'hierarchy of needs', which states that people have a very clear hierarchy of needs, the lowest being physiological (food, water, shelter), slightly higher up being self-esteem, human company, etc., higher still being intellectual pursuits, and highest of all is a state of 'self-realisation'. The final state is the kind of self-awareness that is necessary for leadership. As if it were revenge for trying to ask people's opinions before, one individual asked me the rather painful question, "Self-realisation is a very individualistic, Western concept. How could it possibly work in non-western cultures?" It was not a difficult question, but it was painful because of the language level needed to respond to it. Everyone knew how bad my French was; I had warned them at the start - either the question asker was being grossly insensitive, or really had it in for me. After asking for the question to be repeated 3 times, I sputtered out some answer about how ideas of self-realisation actually originated in Hinduism and Buddhism, and that in any culture (including less individualistic ones), the influence of the leader's personality is recognised. They seemed to be satisfied with the answer, so either I said it correctly in French, or said something else altogether which happened to be a satisfactory answer.

The same person grilled me later in the question time - this seems to be the form of interactivity that the local students relish the most. I managed to stagger my way through some kind of response, but it was certainly quite stressful.

4. All things AIESEC

Another round of congratulations are in order...first to the newly elected President of AIESEC International, Edyson Dos Santos from Venezuala. He has been in the organisation for 12 years, and is something of a legend in the organisation. There is a photo of him after the election announcement, in which a bucket of water was poured on his head...he was wearing some kind of green tunic, and in the photo, with his arms raised, he looks like some kind of freaky religious cult leader. Whoops.

Second, to the new French Member Committee (starting around July I think) - Meto, Audrey, Martina and David. They are missing a finance director - I am trying to persuade Olivia from Marseille to run for the position. This time looks particularly strong - most of them are French and they all speak French (except Martina, who has started a course in French and has a couple of months to learn it). This I've realised is very important in France - talented people from the local level should be elevated to the national level, so the national level clearly understands the local reality. Also, LC-MC Communication seems to be a big issue here in France, and speaking the same language can only help.

I myself have been considering my future in the organisation...I definitely will be going further, but there are some clouds over the next steps. I should make it clear that I have actively been considering running for National President of AIESEC in Australia, and if I don't run for that, at very least run for the National Branch of AIESEC Australia. Whether I make the decision to run for National President is based on the following factors:

- University. I don't know if I can defer immediately on return from an exchange, because there is meant to be a sort of 'reintegration course' to take place in the first semester after you get back. This may even prevent me from running for the National Branch, which means I'll be content to run for a position on a local level while continuing at uni, or maybe even try something outside of AIESEC (although that is unlikely, given that getting to a leadership position in other credible organisations aimed at the same age group will take more than a year). The positions on a local level to consider are State Manager of AIESEC NSW, National Support Team Chair and of course Local Committee President at UNSW. At any rate, I'll truly be an old fart.

- Success of Local Committee Aix-en-Provence. If I am only partially successful with Aix-en-Provence local branch, then I couldn't consider myself ready for the role. I need to setup something really amazing.

- Vision for the national branch team. I have a very clear idea of what the priorities for the next team are in terms of improving the country, but I don't have a lot of GOOD experience as a team leader...this is an area I need to study and imagine over the next year, and then assess whether I am ready.

- Peace of mind. I know what it's like to have this kind of internal serenity - character traits like courage, determination, decisiveness, vision, etc. all flow from this state of mind. However unless this becomes something permanent for me, rather than something fleeting, I would not feel honest in running for the position. A profound sense of calm is what is needed to learn new things, throw off fear, and analyse situations with a clear mind...without this calm, I would do a terrible job, because I would be fearful of the challenges that await. With this calm, I could achieve amazing things.

So now you all now my ambitions...I will keep an honest account of how my progress in changing certain elements of my character to be more 'national president like' on this blog. Know that I am not afraid to run and lose - such an experience would teach me a lot anyway, and I am more than happy to serve as a member of the national branch. My fear is of running and winning, but not having the appropriate character for the job. The reason for this fear is because it has happened before, when I was elected Local President of AIESEC UNSW. I was not ready, and the branch now sees the terrible consequences. I have certainly learned an exceptional amount from that experience, but what if I'm not ready again?

What makes me believe that readiness is a state of mind rather than a stage in our lives is the story of one of the people I most admire in history - Joan of Arc. We all know the story - a 15 year old peasant girl with a very ordinary life claimed to have received visions from God that she was to liberate France and restore the rightful king to the throne. And amazingly, she did - certainly not through any experience, but purely by force of will and inspiring thousands of people to fight to the death for her. What she seems to have had was a vision so overpoweringly strong that it gave her access to some kind of 'creative inner voice' for leadership. And this is why I believe that any human being, if they can make their visions the overpowering obsessions of their lives, can achieve utterly extraordinary things. 'All we have to fear is fear itself' rightly says FD Roosevelt - but how do we deal with fear itself? That answer to that question is what can make our dreams a reality.

La Recherche (The Quest)

1. A phone, at last!

After one and a half months of communicating by phone card, I finally have a téléphone française. Actually its just my Australian phone, with a French sim-card.

So next time you feel like making an international call to a mobile phone, dial 0631638647.

2. Other administrivia, nearly cleared

I finally got my 'blue card' from the bank (credit card for my french bank account), as well as a chequebook, both for free. With the chequebook, I can now write a cheque for my student health insurance, meaning I can hand in my application for a student card. And tomorrow I will receive my 'attestation bancaire', proving I have enough money for 1 year, meaning I can hand in my application for a residency card. Yes! I will be nearly at home, just one task left to do...

Get a bicycle. Now that I have a chequebook it is possible for me to write the 300 euro 'deposit cheque', which they won't actually use unless you lose the bike or destroy it. However I am still not so sure...apparently bike theft is not totally uncommon here. How effective will two bike locks be? Maybe I should buy an el cheapo bike somewhere. This is the old me, just putting off decisions that need to be made at some point...not a good habit at all.

3. Planning Day

I spent about 7 hours with Johanna doing planning yesterday for the AIESEC Aix-en-Provence local branch which we are setting up. I am very lucky to have Johanna's assistance; she is an exceptional planner, very detailed, and actually enjoys researching legal and financial requirements. Basically my exact opposite, but we seem to be working together very well. She said she is very lucky to have my assistance, because were I not here proposing crazy ideas like creating a local branch in Aix, being the only member here she was becoming quite disillusioned and was ready to quit. Now she is super gung-ho about the whole process, and is very likely to take over the Local Branch when I leave in December. So it seems we complement each other well, and the local committee will have an exceptional future.

In fact, if she had quit, it would have been one of the worst things to happen in AIESEC France. She is one of the most exceptional members they have. The story of her 'recruitment' is bizarre, considering she was never actually recruited. She read something about AIESEC on the internet, was interested, then signed up on our intranet aiesec.net under Marseilles local committee. Someone approved her without even speaking to her, and she found out on aiesec.net about the upcoming national conference in Paris. Still without having communicated with anyone, she registered for the conference, booked her train tickets, and was off to the conference in Paris! When she got there, she didn't know anyone, and gave everyone quite a shock by her incredible enthusiasm.

For all the people in AIESEC Australia or AIESEC anywhere who are reading this, these are the kind of members we want. People with personal drive, not people we need to spend 5 hours convincing that a conference is a valuable experience. How to find these people? Very simple. The only members you recruit should be those who join completely of their own volition. NO MORE STALL BEGGING - one person maybe at the stall during O-week, not approaching anyone, but letting people come to them. Our job during recruitment is MASS AWARENESS, not MASS PERSUASION. If the right people know we exist, they will come to us. That little display of initiative makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE. Yes, your recruitment numbers will drop...but the quality of your members will increase about 300 times, and the amount of effort you need to put in both induction and in running your LC will drop about 300 times.
In short: make people aware we exist, and those that like us will come to us. These are the people we want, because they have shown initiative!

The planning day went extremely well - we finished about an hour and a half earlier than expected. I am confident I will be leaving behind an extraordinary local branch filled with extraordinary people.

4. The Quest

The Quest for inner peace is not so simple as I made it out to be in my last post. It is not difficult to find it, but it is much harder to maintain. As I said, our mind is like the ocean, sometimes calm, sometimes stormy.

The great difficulty for me is letting go of my past delusions. Delusions causing self-dislike, delusions causing a lack of self-esteem...these are well-grounded in my mind, and I know I need to spend a good deal of meditative effort in removing these delusions from my mind.

For a state of mind supposed to be about complete relaxation, it certainly takes a lot of effort getting there!

Also, some people who have read my last posting see it not as a conglomeration of several religions, but straight Buddhism. It looks like that, but the truth is, all the major religions seem to be virtually identical. The beliefs are the same, as is the way of life. The only contradictions between them is that they use different names, or claim to be 'the one' to the detriment of other religions, or have their own little meaningless traditions which don't have a huge effect on how people lead their lives. Conflict between religions seems amazingly stupid as a result, because they are actually very like-minded. The reason why my philosophy of life look like Buddhism is because Buddhism uses the least number of specific names...it is possible to be a Buddhist without ever thinking much about the Buddha himself - he was just some guy who found out how to be happy, and taught people his experiences. The divinity of the human mind is central to all religions - it is just Buddhism is the only one that really calls it that, as opposed to other religions who call this state of mind 'being with God'.

Un Nouveau Monde (A New World)

Before I begin, I want to first apologise to Rob. In one of my previous postings, I somewhat condescendingly painted him as something of a hippie. Most hippies know much less about economics than him, so I think that it is not the fairest image. And hippies also tend to have longer hair.

Seriously, Rob is far from a hippie. I wanted to present a sharp contrast between my stress and his calm, and upon re-reading it, it came out the wrong way.

Although he does point out to me that he did drop out from economics to become an arts students, and once had hair down to his shoulders. You be the judge.

1. AIESEC France National Conference (NATCO) 2006

Held in Ancenis, a small town about 30 minutes from the city of Angers. I was VERY VERY IMPRESSED by the conference organising committee; they had a genuine concern for the needs of every delegate, continually strove for excellence and simply DID NOT STOP MOVING. I have been to 14 conferences in AIESEC and a couple outside of it, and this was by far the best organising committee I had ever seen. Congrats to them!

The conference delegates all seemed extremely switched on in their willingness to engage in debate and discussion, however they are unaware of some of the basic facts of the organisation...MASSIVE potential here, but going completely to waste: I saw real heart and soul here, but I do not see it being used. I realise this seems contradictory to some of my earlier posts...I think meeting people clarified the situation somewhat for me, much better than some simple measurement sheets could ever do.

I also was very happy with the MC's performance at this conference. They are a very fantastic group of people. Yet I feel like there is a massive barrier between them and the members. If both the members and the Mc are great, what is holding them back? It is difficult to say. Perhaps the language barrier is a severe problem...or perhaps it is comprehension of the local reality. France poses a curious challenge for the foreigner, and the foreigner poses an even greater challenge for the French. A solution to this problem needs to be found urgently.

The three MCP candidates were extraordinary people, each of whom would have done a brilliant job. I send my congratulations to all three of them, because that was the most difficult election I have ever witnessed. The candidate who carried the day was François Fleury, who I am sure with his 'never say die' attitude will lift AIESEC France out of the quagmire it is currently in, to something resembling the organisational vision statement for 2010. He is an exceptionally charismatic and inspiring individual who simply will not stop believing, and this is precisely what is needed to drive the future.

2. Jean's resignation

I don't fully understand the reasons, but the MCP of AIESEC France, Jean Penny, resigned a few days after NatCo. From what he put in his farewell letter to the organisation, I think he felt the experiences he was gaining from AIESEC were not aligned with his direction...my apologies to Jean if this is not the reason. I wish him all the best for the future.

Resignations and departures from the organisation are something to be expected in the near future, across the planet. Many people signed up for an organisation which is changing both its face and heart. This is no longer what they want, or is no longer aligned with their future goals. In fact, the fact that nowadays, at an early stage, we ask people to define their future goals will mean that people who stay the distance in the organisation are sure of their future direction and sure that AIESEC is key to delivering that future.

3. A new world

The 'cheery' attitude of the paragraphs above does nothing to convey the difficulties I have faced recently, and the complete overhaul of perspective that I have undergone in the last few weeks.
I have been very reluctant to finish this blog posting; I don't know why, perhaps I had a feeling it would be the 'be all and end all' posting, the one which defines my basic worldview for the rest of my life.

But I've decided to finish it anyway. It would be stupid and ignorant of me to imagine my point of view will never change...even if I have a 'foundation' which doesn't change, there are layers which are always going to be added, layers which will be removed and layers which will change form.

The only absolute foundations that make sense, therefore, are a sense of values and an open mind. Even the values can be changed (albeit not easily) - it's the open mind which has to be utterly consistent.

4. The first difficulty - integrating into French culture

Living like an exchange student, speaking English or even French with other exchange students, is not integrating into another culture. As a group of internationals, we very quickly find the lowest common denominator of interculturally acceptable behaviour and interact with each other on that basis. It is a valuable experience to be sure, for we realise how much we have in common over national boundaries, even in cases where globalisation is NOT the cause, but it is ultimately limiting in nature.

(The following section in square brackets was written when I was very, very tired and in an extremely bad mood at the time - I do not agree with or endorse its content anymore, and actually think it is somewhat insulting. But this is my personal record, so I need to keep my original postings here for later reading)

[In my group of 10-12 exchange students at IEP, I sometimes feel like I am speaking to 12 clones. I do not wish to insult them at all, I myself am one of those clones - it is the consequence of people from different countries trying to find what is in common, latching on to it, and refusing to budge from it (a completely subconscious process). Perhaps the size of the group lowers the denominator even further, ruling out any eccentric and interesting behaviour, preferring instead a reasonably flat and uninteresting world of wine and discussions on random topics. The randomness of group socialising is another reason why it makes no sense to me. I can understand getting to know people you are working with - as a group we have shared objectives, we need to understand one another's thought processes on how to reach those objectives - but socialising en masse for its own sake seems like a waste of time to me.

The banality of discussion is a great shame to me, because I am sure every single person is vibrant and interesting in their own right - if you are reading this, do not take this as an insult, but an invitation to unleash some of your inner eccentricity onto the conversation! This is why I have much preferred my conversations with Bernard, Youssef, Rob and Marc-André - I know each of them more as individuals than as part of a group, and have had fantastic discussions with each of them, and gotten to understand them much better for who they are. I should probably make a greater effort to get to know the 'group members' as individuals rather than calling them 'group members'. ]

Because of the way I had been living for the last 1.5 months, as above, the National Conference proved a great test for me, because it was the first time I was required to not only live with French people for a period of time, but actually work with them too. It was like a massive extension of the steering team, and all the accompanying cultural difficulties that came with it. You have heard it all before - the pessimism, the feeling of hopelessness - but imagine it from 70 people instead of 1 or 2.

At first, pessimism is infectious. You present an idea, and it gets knocked back because you don't understand 'local reality' - after this happens about 35 times, even the strongest willed tend to lose their courage. This was particularly bad for me, because I entered with a sense of 'strategic arrogance', thinking I had all the answers to the strategic questions. Garbage. But at the time, I began to feel like it was the country that was wrong, not me.

So what did I do?

I opened my mind.

I really began to think about what I had learnt about French AIESEC Reality. I really began to understand their difficult situation, without losing sight of the organisational objectives. I began to ignore the pessimism that accompanied the rejection of ideas, and took them as neutral statements of explanation why certain ideas would not work here. And slowly, I started to come up with solutions. Different ones, not Australian ones. And best of all, I could see they were starting to get through!

My error had been associating the rejection of my ideas with a general blanket pessimism. In fact, pessimistic phrasing just seems to be the way people say things here which they know don't work...while there is still a bit of blanket pessimism, people will try ideas that make sense in terms of the local reality.

This taught me the need to COMPLETELY open my mind. I had always paid lip service to the idea of an open mind, and I always considered myself open-minded because my ideas are generally radical, but it is quite something else. It is a willingness to really consider and internalise those ideas you disagree with. Not necessarily agree with them, but really, really think about them, as opposed to immediate mental rejection, or acting like a debater and finding problems in the idea that can be criticised.

I've realised that open-mindedness is the only way we can achieve peace on earth, because some things (like monotheistic religions) simply cannot be brought together through dogmatic teaching alone - the worshippers need to be open-minded. The Dalai Lama puts it wonderfully, "Just like in a restaraunt when everyone chooses the meal that suits their tastes, everyone can choose their path to happiness according to their own tastes. How boring would the dinner be if everyone ordered the same meal?"

The Dalai Lama has much to teach the world about open-mindedness. This is one quotation from him I know I will never, ever forget, because it symbolises the ultimate open-mindedness: "If science finds something which contradicts a Buddhist belief, it is Buddhism that will need to change" - this coming from the head of the religion!!

5. The second difficulty - dealing with impermanence

Second, my cat Philip, who has lived in my house for 13 years (over half my life), recently passed away. I really did love him as one of my closest friends, and the speciest barrier that people tend to place between people and animals just did not exist in my house. He really was one of the family. There was a time when I was younger when I was truly cynical of the whole human race, and I had considered him my ONLY friend in the world.

It was particularly hard for me because I was not there in person. His illness (cancer in the liver) only became obvious after I left, and when diagnosed, apparently he did not have more than 1-2 weeks to live.

The news of his illness hit me very hard. Being a cat, I also knew that he would not live for a very long time, but my mind always jumped away from this, and never sought to deal with it. It will come when it will come, and I will deal with it then. I think that I thought he would live forever, or at least a really long time (like 20 years), because we had cared for him so well. Especially my mother, she had really devoted so much to this cat.

Jus the thought that he might die sent me into a frenzy...I spent an entire day on the internet searching for ways on how to deal with death of a loved one, which sent me of course to a considerable amount of religious material. In the past I have generally switched off at the sight of religion, but that day was different. I had to do something, because I was feeling desperate, and no atheist or agnostic was capable of giving me an answer to relieve what I was feeling.

That day was one of the most important days of my life. I read massive amounts of things from all sorts of religions, and continued to do so over the next few days...and at the same time pulled out of all of them a philosophy of life which I am going to do adhere to from now on.

Basically, it seems the cause of suffering is attachment. What does that mean? By emotionally attaching ourselves to physical things, like objects and other sentient beings, we are setting ourselves up for failure, because everything in the world has a limited life span. Instead of attaching ourselves to others, we should hold a sense of compassion/empathy towards them instead. This kind of detached compassion can naturally be extended to any sentient being, not merely to people we consider our friends and family. When we first meet another human being, empathy seems to be the way to go.

Empathy goes further than being a simple replacement for attachment. Its how we should view all human beings. The concept of 'like' and 'dislike' simply vanish - our task is to understand people and have compassion for their suffering (and all entities suffer because there is no escape from death). With this absolutely non-judgmental approach, it is possible to have an equal amount of compassion for everyone from your brother to Mahatma Gandhi to Joseph Stalin. The very idea of hatred no longer functions...there is no point hating anyone, is there? Compassion for everyone, even your worst enemy, is the only way we can have some kind of peace.

Does this absence of hatred invite weakness or giving in to people? Not at all - one needs to exercise empathy for the self as well, and it is impossible to let others take advantage of you, just as it is impossible for you to take advantage of others. Strong counter-action in the short term is a form of compassion - e.g. restraining a violent person before they do more damage.

But what does all this compassion, absence of attachment and absence of hatred add up to? PEACE. The very meaning of our lives is to seek peace of mind, to live in a perpetual state of calm and to have complete control over our minds. Freedom is freeing our minds from attachment, and freeing it from negative states of mind like anger, jealousy, hatred, etc. so we are completely free to seek peace.

But it doesn't end there. The mind is generally quite out of control, and we need to spend years bringing it to heel. Calming it one day may mean little the next - it takes practice. So we need to find and maintain peace.

But what do we do with our lives while we are finding inner peace, assuming we don't want to become clergymen (i assure you, i won't be a priest or a monk or anything like that :) )? Work towards peace amongst humanity, and peace between people and the environment.

This probably sounds a bit waffly to many people. But I can say that I have had a marked change of perspective...I am a much happier, much calmer person than I have ever been. I'm able to focus and concentrate on my goals a lot more clearly than ever before. The idea of dedicating one's life to peace is most appealing to me...I had already dedicated my life externally to this idea, but it was the mind which was lacking...such that I wasn't able to concentrate or achieve anything really. A degree of inner peace is needed before we can venture out to try and make the world a better place.

People will read this and scoff and call me idealistic, naive and stupid. But understand that I know of no other way to escape from the turbulence of daily existence, and the only way we can escape the continual barrage of difficult questions which undermine any reason at all to even be alive. In a world devoid of meaning, spiritual peace is the only answer for those who wish to remain sane.